


My year with Regina - End

by postmortem



Series: 365 Days [6]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Death, F/F, Heartbreak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-20
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-15 05:14:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5772625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/postmortem/pseuds/postmortem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regina Mills and Emma Swan had one year together. This a series of stories from those 365 days. They are not in chronological order.</p>
<p>All parts of the series can be read as stand-alone pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My year with Regina - End

The first time I saw Regina Mills, she was cold. Cold and irritating. A little intimidating, too. Running out that door, looking somewhere between completely crazy and completely broken. Scared to death of losing her son, our son, suspicious of me, judging me, trying to figure out how much of a threat I could be. Angry, hurt, and maybe a tiny bit grateful. Magnificent. Scary. Pathetic. People have always assumed that I must have been attracted to her right away, “because have you seen her?” And in a way, that was probably true. The pull was instant. And confusing. It was a kind of attraction that I was not familiar with. It was not what I had envisioned when I imagined meeting the love of my life. It was an unbreakable and painful bond that made you want to scream, hurt, tear into the person. From the very start. When admitting to those kind of feelings, even to ourselves, was the last thing on our minds. The kind of overwhelming emotion that made you cry in the shower at 3 a.m. for reasons you weren’t even sure of yourself. I wasn’t used to the kind of attraction that in time will turn you into a confused, lovesick idiot, part of a love story so incredible, you’re doubting yourself, and the whole existence of reality. I wasn’t used to someone seeing me, my good and my bad, and taking a step forward instead of back.

In time, I learned that Regina wasn’t cold. That her heart may have been black on the outside, but blood was pumping through it crimson, and the love she had for a few special people was buried, kept in a place that no mother, no Rumplestiltskin, no bad or evil could reach. And when I realized that I was one of those special people, my life changed. My own heart, beaten and disappointed over and over, had no choice but to open up to that one light, that one miraculous soul that was like mine, guarded and untrusting, but aching to find a place in the world, a home. When I finally started believing that a soul so abused and so broken as Regina’s could see something in me, something that tore down her walls and mine… I found myself starting to believe in myself. To believe that everything I had gone through had led to this, this peace, this sense of belonging that I had never, ever felt before. When she showed me that I mattered… that was my happy ending. And no matter what would happen after that, I would never ever forget how special she made me feel. She was my biggest gift.

Happy endings were so desperately sought by everyone around me. All of us were looking for them, but few people could say that they had found theirs. I could. I found my happy ending. And even if it had only lasted a second, or a day, or a week, the moment I really saw Regina, that was the end and the beginning. It just was. Like lightning illuminating a face, a body, just for a second, just long enough to see something so breathtaking, something to take me wholly and forever. That was my happy ending.

She was my happy ending.

I was happy. And then it was the end. There will be nothing after this.

In hindsight, I am convinced that she knew. That she had seen it coming. That she had given everything she had, because she knew that her time was limited. In hindsight, I think she could feel that the Evil Queen would never really win. As they always said, villains don’t get happy endings. In hindsight, I am convinced that what she gave to me, to our son, to the few selected people who were given her gift… she gave it knowingly, and she gave it consciously. She knew that everyone she gave it to would always see her for who she really was, and that even when she was gone, we would never make excuses, and always remember her as the only thing she ever wanted to be. Regina. Not Daughter Regina, not Bride Regina, not Queen Regina, not Mayor Regina. Just Regina.

Should we have seen it coming? Should we have realized that no curse created in bad blood could be broken by something as ridiculously cliché as true love’s kiss? Should we have expected the past to remain gone forever, when all we had done was mess with it, again and again? Had there been a way of knowing that the original curse was not over when it broke? That the one who created it had planned for the one who cast it to be destroyed in the end? Should we have been suspicious that the one who created it wasn’t the one who cast it? Or were all of us, despite our flaws and our misgivings, just too good, too naïve to believe that there would be an aftermath?

The last time I saw Regina Mills, she was cold. Cold and lifeless. Her eyes sunken in, her lips chapped, her chest still. Her hair was not soft. Her hands were not gentle. Her scar was not a turn on. Her legs were not shapely, not endless. Her neck was not long and smooth and so receptive to my kisses. Regina’s body was not strong. And it was cold, so cold. There was nothing left for me to save. No CPR, no magic, no screaming at my mother. No screaming at her mother. No running to Gold for help, no resurrecting dragons, no magic beans, no fairy dust. 

The last time I saw her, she was stripped of all her layers. Loved. Flawed. Human. Defeated. Broken.

She was forced to make a decision, and everyone who knew the real Regina also knew that she didn’t hesitate for a second. She stepped into the curse, and the curse took her. When I kissed her goodbye, she was already gone.

Nowadays, when people tell me that Regina died for us, for the people she loved, I just smile. Because I don’t have the heart to tell them that no, she did not die for us. Those grand notions of sacrifice, of martyrdom, they give people something to hold onto, a tiny bit of sense in an otherwise senseless situation. But they are not what happened. Of course she did it for us. Of course she did it out of love. Of course she saved us, saved all of us, of course she saved our lives. But she had no choice. She did not die for us. She was stolen from us, violently ripped from the only place she ever belonged. I think she knew what was going to happen. That she didn’t have all the time in the world. And I truly believe that before she had to go, she had found her own happy ending, and that she was going to make it a good one. And that was what she did for us, she gaves us her biggest gift.

She gave us her unconditional love, her safety, her warmth. Her smiles and her frowns. Her trust, her faith, her support. Her knowledge, her wisdom, her talent, her intelligence. She gave Henry her full attention when they talked. She snuck chocolate bars into his lunch box and let him believe it was me. She wrapped him in hugs when he was sad, and giggled with him when he was happy. She leaned into me and kissed me when she thought nobody was watching, and sometimes when she knew they were. She let me dry the tears when she clung to me late at night after a nightmare. She gave me her body when she came undone beneath me. 

Those were the things she gave us. She opened her heart to us, and we lived in it, and it was beautiful, and huge, and warm, and home. 

Regina Mills did not die for us.

Regina Mills lived for us.

**Author's Note:**

> I always knew that "End" wasn't going to be the last part of the series, even though it is the end of their story. It was hard to let Regina die, but it was and is the only way I will ever believe that those two can be separated. Regina Mills is my favourite character in the world, and she will never truly be dead.


End file.
